


Like Father, Like Daughter

by realityisoverrated



Series: Infinite Love [118]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, M/M, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, Postpartum Depression, Smoaking billionaires, Toliver, flommy, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:18:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityisoverrated/pseuds/realityisoverrated
Summary: When everything becomes too much at home, Felicity seeks help from an unlikely source.





	Like Father, Like Daughter

**Author's Note:**

> This story depicts a polyamorous relationship between one woman and two men. If this is not something you are interested in, please stop and go no further. 
> 
> I am humbled by the response to the last installment. Thank you for all of your comments. I am honored by those who shared your personal experiences with me - thank you. I wish I could give all of you a hug.
> 
> Felicity's journey continues with this installment. She is at her lowest point, but there is hope.
> 
> I have tagged this fic for postpartum depression and anxiety. Felicity is in a very dark place throughout this installment. If any of these situations are triggers for you, I ask you to carefully consider before reading. I will remind everyone that Felicity and the twins make it through this and we see them happy again in the near future.
> 
> Postpartum depression is unique to every woman who experiences it. This is Felicity's experience.
> 
> Felicity is a bit of unreliable narrator in this fic. Her perceptions of what is happening are being influenced by her depression.
> 
> This installment is 96/118. The installment list has grown too long for the notes section. You can now find the chronological list for the series, with hyperlinks, at http://archiveofourown.org/works/11051019
> 
> If you are new to the series, welcome.
> 
> Arrow and its characters do not belong to me.

Artwork by ligiapimenta

 

The late afternoon January sky was gray and, if Felicity still lived in Massachusetts, she would be expecting snow. A glance at her dashboard thermometer told her that while cold out, it wasn’t cold enough for snow. She’d been driving for four hours and realized that her impulsive decision to make this trip was going to cause an argument at home. She hadn’t told Oliver or Tommy about her little excursion and neither of them were going to be happy with her.

Tommy was exhausted from being home with four children. Oliver, Tommy and Felicity quickly learned that twins didn’t mean double the work, they seemed to quadruple it, especially since they were so frail. Prue had only been back home from the hospital for a month and the purple scar on her abdomen was a constant reminder of how much Felicity had failed her children. Even though she hadn’t returned to work, she’d been no help to Tommy. He spent his days caring for the twins, trying to keep up with Bobby and Becca and watching over her with wary eyes. After Prue’s surgery, Oliver had gone back to QC as temporary CEO while she went out on family leave. They were telling everyone that it was because of Prue’s surgery. The truth was, Felicity’s depression was getting worse and work wasn’t helping her get better. They were in the middle of merging with Palmer Technologies and she wasn’t up for the negotiations. Where Tommy appeared worried, Oliver looked wounded whenever she found him staring at her. Felicity was failing everyone and that was why, instead of running to the store like she told Tommy, she found herself driving to visit someone she hoped could give her answers.

She pulled up to a top-secret A.R.G.U.S. installation and handed the guard her ID. He disappeared into the guardhouse and when he returned he gave back her identification and provided her a map with a location circled. She didn’t think she’d need the map since she’d been there before, but her last visit had been more than two years before. Felicity navigated through the base until she reached a small residential neighborhood. All the homes were small, non-descript and identical. She parked in front of the one numbered, fifty-two.

Felicity sat in front of the house for a few minutes as she gathered her thoughts. She could feel herself being watched. Her arrival wouldn’t be a surprise since the guard would’ve called ahead. The front door was already opened as she walked towards the house. She waved at the man leaning in the doorway, “Hi, dad.”

Noah smiled at her, “Hi, pumpkin.” He stepped further inside to allow her entrance. He took her coat and hung it in the small closet next to the front door. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Herbal tea would be great,” she said without looking at him. “I need to use the bathroom.”

He gestured down the hallway.

She’d just closed the bathroom door behind her when her cell rang. She pulled her phone from her purse and took a deep breath. “Hi, Tommy,” she said brightly.

“Where are you?” he asked with concern. “You’ve been gone four hours.”

She cringed as she heard both twins crying and Becca having a meltdown in the background, “I’m in Lewisburg.”

“Lewisburg?” he asked with disbelief.

When he didn’t say anything else she asked, “Tommy, are you still there?”

“Are you all right?” he asked tightly.

Felicity rested her forehead against the bathroom door as hot tears fell down her face. He was asking a question she was afraid to answer. “The kids sound like they need you. You better go,” she said in a voice that she knew he would be able to tell that she was crying.

“They need you,” Tommy sounded like he was crying too. “I need you. Ollie needs you. Felicity.”

“Tommy,” she pleaded softly.

“There is nothing we can’t face together. Please come home,” he said desperately.

“I’ll be home tonight. It’ll probably be late, don’t wait up.” She wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth about going home.

“Felicity,” his voice full of anguish, “I love you. Call me when you’re on your way.”

“I’ll call in a few hours,” she promised and hung up the phone. It was only after she was washing her hands after using the bathroom that she realized she hadn’t told him that she loved him too.

Noah was sitting at his kitchen table with two steaming mugs of tea, “Everything okay at home? How are my grandchildren?”

Felicity opened her cell and the album she had of the children. She watched as he flipped through the recent photographs from Hanukah, Christmas and New Year’s. His face visibly relaxed and he laughed at some of the pictures of Bobby and Becca. His eyes welled with tears when he got to the pictures of Nate and Prue. She hadn’t taken any of the photos of the twins. Tommy had put them on her phone because she’d made no effort to do so. “They’re doing okay?” he asked looking up from the phone. “Last time I heard from your mom, she said they were doing better.”

She wrapped her hands around the warm mug and shrugged her shoulders. “Nate seems to have fought off the viral infection. The fever did something to his eyes. He has to wear glasses now. He’s practically blind without them. The doctors say that Prue is recovering well from her surgery – the tumor wasn’t cancer, so that’s something. They’re both allergic to formula, so we’re buying donated breastmilk since I wasn’t able to breastfeed them.” The words burned as she spoke them. Even after five months, her inability to provide the most basic care to her children still made her feel like an absolute failure as a mom. “But, Tommy says they’re doing fine, and he’s usually right about these things. Nate’s gaining weight and catching up to where he should be if he hadn’t been born prematurely. Since her surgery, Prue is gaining weight, she’s still undersized, but the pediatrician thinks she’s going to always be tiny.”

“My mom was only 4’10”, so there is precedent for short in our gene pool,” Noah said trying to sound reassuring. “They look perfect to me,” his attention returned to her phone. A soft smile turned up his lips as he continued to flip through the photos.

Felicity didn’t agree. When she looked at the twins, she didn’t see perfection. She saw two skeletal infants with translucent skin. They looked frail and weak and like a strong gust of wind could blow their atoms apart and cause them to vanish in front of her eyes. She was filled with shame because when she looked at or held the twins, she didn’t feel love for them. She didn’t really feel much of anything and when she did manage to feel something, all she felt was fear. For the past few weeks, she’d been having almost nightly dreams of the twins dying in her care. Even though it took all her willpower, Felicity forced herself to hold them once a day. She didn’t do it for the twins or for herself, but because she couldn’t take the reproachful looks of her husbands. The rest of the time, she allowed Tommy to assume the majority of the responsibility for feeding them, changing them and providing them comfort. When Oliver came home from work, he doted on the twins and gave Tommy a bit of a break. Her mom had been great and came over every day for several hours to help out where she could. Felicity spent most of her time lying in bed with Hildy, staring at the wall or sleeping.

Noah reached across the table and squeezed her wrist, “Is everything all right?”

“When you left mom and me, did you really leave us because you thought you were a danger to us?” the question tumbled out of her.

“I was wanted by the FBI and the NSA. I ran because I was worried about you and your mom, but mostly because I was selfish and I didn’t want to go to prison for the rest of my life.”

Felicity looked around and gestured at his small kitchen, “Sorry about this.”

“Ah, this place isn’t so bad. I get to do interesting work and I’m not living in a cell.” He smiled at her, “I’m not mad at you for what you did. I understand why you did what you did. You were protecting yourself and your family. I shouldn’t have threatened you.”

“Yeah,” she pulled her cell back across the table, “I was protecting my family.”

“Not that I’m not happy to see you or pictures of my grandkids, but I haven’t seen you in two years. What’s going on?”

 “I think I should leave,” she said quietly.

“You just got here,” Noah said with alarm.

“No, dad. I think I should leave,” the word got stuck in her throat, “home.”

Noah leaned back in his seat, “You want to leave your husbands and your four children?”

Her vision blurred as her eyes swam with tears. She wiped at her cheeks, “Yeah.”

“Why?” He leaned across the table, “Has something happened? Did the guys do something?”

“Things have been tough in our marriage for almost three years. I wanted to have a third baby and when Oliver agreed, I couldn’t get pregnant.” Felicity explained. “We tried for about a year before I started fertility treatment. It took a year for the treatment to work.”

He squeezed her hand, “Pumpkin, the babies are here. You can enjoy them now and get things back on track with the guys.”

“I don’t feel anything when I hold them,” she confessed. “What kind of mom holds her babies and doesn’t love them?” Felicity began to sob. It was a relief to say the words out loud to someone who didn’t have any expectations of her and couldn’t judge her for her feelings. “I fought so hard to have them and now that they’re here, I look at them and it’s like they’re things. Prue, she almost died and I was just numb. My tiny little girl needed to have surgery to save her life and it was like it was happening to someone else. I watched Tommy and Oliver be terrified because they thought there was a chance we could lose her and I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t cry. My children deserve a better mother.”

Noah dragged his chair closer to his daughter, “Sweetheart, have you told Tommy or Oliver or your mom how you’re feeling?”

Felicity recoiled from the thought, “How can I tell them that? They’ll think I’m a monster. I think I’m a monster.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Noah shifted his chair closer to hers and wrapped her in his arms, “I promise, they won’t.” He rubbed her back, “They love you. Everything is going to be okay, I promise. We’ll figure it out.”

The feel of her dad’s arms around her and the sound of his voice soothed her. It had been decades since she’d felt the security that came from having her dad wrap her in his arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay. “There’s something really wrong with me. I don’t deserve my family. My children would be better off without me.”

“Hey,” Noah clasped her face between his hands, “there’s something going on with you, but we’re going to get you help. When you were born, your mom struggled. She slept all the time. She cried. When we went to the doctor, he told us she had postpartum depression. He gave her some medicine, she talked to a therapist and after a few weeks, she started to feel better and within a few months she was back to herself.”

Felicity pulled away and stood up with her arms wrapped around her middle, “It’s not postpartum depression. I’ve been on antidepressants for months and it’s not helping. There is something really wrong with me. I’m broken. I think I’ve been lying to myself all of these years. I never really wanted a husband or children. I had plans. I was going to see the world. Start my own company. I met Oliver and Tommy and I lost myself in our love. I only had Bobby because the guys wanted a baby and I started to think I did too. What if I had the children for the guys and not because I really wanted them. I didn’t just inherit your love of computers. I think I’m incapable of being happy with a family.”

“Felicity, have you told anyone that your medication isn’t helping? Are you seeing a therapist?” he asked calmly.

She had seen multiple therapists. After the incident with Becca in Prue’s crib, Oliver and Tommy had forced the issue of seeing a psychiatrist who specialized in postpartum, but Felicity hadn’t been able to bring herself to tell a stranger that she didn’t feel anything for her babies. Dr. Mathers seemed very nice and understanding, but Felicity was convinced that would stop when she told her doctor that she didn’t love her own children. Felicity was ashamed and afraid and so very tired. “I didn’t come to you for advice about a therapist,” she snapped.

“No, you came here for my permission to leave your family,” he said rising to his feet. “I might not deserve to be your dad, but I’m still your dad and I do love you.” He placed her hand over his heart, “Walking out on your family is not going to help you feel better. Trust me, it won’t ever make you feel better.”

Felicity’s anger flared. “I’m not leaving for me. I’m leaving for them. No child should be raised by a parent who doesn’t love them. If I stay, Nate and Prue will eventually realize that I don’t love them. I don’t know what to do,” she admitted as the fight left her and she collapsed against his chest. “Please, daddy, help me?”

He held her until long after she stopped crying. Noah placed a kiss on the top of her head, “The first thing we’re going to do is get you something to eat and then you’re going to lay down and get some sleep. We’ll start figuring out what to do when you wake up, okay?”

Felicity held onto her dad tighter and, for the first time in months, felt a little better, “Okay.”

 

Felicity woke up in an unfamiliar bed. She shivered under blankets that didn’t smell right. The tip of her nose was cold and she lifted her hand to rub it. She relaxed a little as she remembered that she was asleep in her dad’s bed. She stretched her arm towards the nightstand in search of her glasses and a lamp switched on. Startled, she sat up against the headboard to find Tommy and Oliver in the room. Oliver was sitting in a chair by the window and Tommy was seated on the floor by the side of the bed.

“Tommy? Oliver?” she asked sleepily. “What are you doing here?” She sat up straighter, “Where are the kids?”

“Donna and Quentin are watching the kids,” Oliver said roughly.

Tommy moved to sit facing her. He reached out a tentative hand and placed it on her foot. His eyes were red and it was clear that he’d been recently crying. “Your dad answered your phone when I called,” he explained.

She lowered her eyes and twisted her hands in her lap. She couldn’t face either of them. “He told you,” she whispered.

The chair Oliver sat in groaned as he shifted his weight to lean forward. He rested his arms on his legs, “He only told us that you were upset and in need of a few hours of sleep.”

“He also told us that he thought it would be a good idea if we came to get you.” Tommy’s hand rubbed her foot, “Please, babe. Talk to us.”

“I can’t,” Felicity turned her head away from them.

She felt the bed shift as Tommy crawled towards the head of the bed. He settled beside her and took her hands, “There is nothing you can say that will make us feel differently about you.”

Felicity wanted to believe him, but Tommy wasn’t thinking that the thing she had to tell them was that she was a horrible mom. “You can’t promise that,” she said angrily.

“You want to leave us,” Oliver said gruffly from his chair.

Tommy and Felicity’s heads snapped up. “Ollie,” Tommy cautioned.

“That’s what’s going on, right?” Oliver asked angrily. “Why else would you come to see him,” he gestured at the bedroom door, “instead of coming to us with whatever is going on with you?”

“Thinking about leaving is just a symptom,” Tommy said patiently as he blocked Felicity’s line of sight to Oliver. “Your depression has gotten worse and you’re afraid to tell us.”

Felicity nodded. She didn’t trust herself to speak. Tommy understood depression. He knew what it felt like, but he never stopped loving his family when he was going through it. He got such joy from their children, he’d never understand how she could not love them. Oliver saw depression as something to be conquered and wrestled into submission. He would never forgive her if she told him that she didn’t love the children they created together. The children he hadn’t wanted in the first place. Neither of them would be able to see her as anything less than a selfish monster.

“We’ll call your doctor in the morning, make an appointment for a session and to get your meds adjusted,” Tommy said gently. “In the meantime, you can talk to us. Why did you come to see your dad today?”

Figuring they’d learn she was a monster sooner or later, she decided to put all her cards on the table, “I don’t love the twins.” Tommy and Oliver just sat and stared at her in silence. “Aren’t you going to tell me that’s not true? Or that I’m a monster?”

Tommy laced his fingers through hers, “I believe you believe that you don’t love the twins.”

“No, don’t make excuses for me,” she wrenched her hand free from Tommy’s. “I know what it is to love our children. I fell in love with Bobby and Becca the moment I held them.” She nervously looked to Oliver who looked like he was on the verge of tears, “I’m sorry, Oliver. I know I pressured you into having a third pregnancy and I put you through a lot and you didn’t want them to begin with, but I don’t feel anything when I look at them or hold them.”

Oliver rose from his chair, his face red with anger, “Don’t you dare tell me that I didn’t want them - that I don’t want them. I have wanted all of our children. I love all of our children. I don’t regret any of it. I love Nate and Prue. I would go through all of it again to have them.”

Felicity began to cry, “I don’t think I would.”

“Listen to me,” Tommy said firmly. “You had a very stressful and traumatic pregnancy and delivery. You had pneumonia. The twins have had some medical complications. All of this has contributed to how you’re feeling now, but you have to trust me when I tell you, these feelings you’re having or not having are because of your depression. Depression twists everything until you can’t tell up from down. You’re feeling numb?”

“Yeah,” she said looking him in the eyes for the first time.

“Numb doesn’t mean you don’t love our children. Numb means the meds you’re on aren’t the right ones. I’m an expert at this, babe. Please let everything I’ve been through be so I can help you, and so you believe me when I tell you, this will get better. You will feel like yourself again. You will hold our children and you will feel love for them, all of them.”

“What if I don’t ever get better?” she asked.

Tommy brushed the hair from her eyes, “I promise, you will get better.” When she opened her mouth to protest he said, “Have I ever lied to you?”

“No.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Then trust me when I say, you will get through this and we’re going to be with you every step of the way.”

Tommy reached out his hand towards Oliver, who joined them on the bed. Oliver rested his forehead against Felicity’s, “The three of us can do anything as long as we’re together.”

“Let’s go home,” Tommy kissed her cheek.

“I don’t want to,” Felicity admitted. “I can’t bear the thought of even looking at them. I’m a terrible mother.” She collapsed against Oliver and began to weep.

Oliver cradled her against his chest and stroked her hair, “You’re a wonderful mother who is having a difficult time. It’s okay to need help. Let us help you.”

“Why don’t you hate me?” she asked into Oliver’s shirt. “You should hate me.”

“I could never hate you. I love you. You’re my wife and the mother of my children.” Oliver kissed the top of her head, “You’re my always.”

Felicity reached for Tommy’s hand, “I’m letting you down. I’m screwing up the merger. I’m screwing up our kids. I’m ruining our marriage.”

“You’re not ruining our marriage,” Tommy reached for a tissue from the nightstand. He blotted her eyes, “We’re going through a rough patch.”

“For three years?” Felicity asked incredulously.

“It hasn’t all been rough,” Oliver said against her head. “We’ve had good times too.”

“Felicity?” Tommy asked hesitantly. “Let’s take the kids out of this for the moment and focus on the three of us. Do you not want to be married anymore? Is your unhappiness about our marriage and you’re afraid to tell us?”

Felicity’s eyes went wide at Tommy’s question. Even though she’d told her dad that she wanted to leave her home and family, she, naively, hadn’t considered it an end to her marriage. She tried to imagine what life would be like without Oliver and Tommy and she couldn’t breathe. Felicity pictured herself back at her old townhouse, surrounded by her old things, but it felt wrong. She needed Tommy singing in the shower while she got dressed. She needed Oliver’s arms wrapped around her as she fell asleep. She needed the sound of Oliver and Tommy laughing as they cooked dinner side by side. She watched as worry deepened on Tommy’s face. Oliver was trembling slightly around her. “I don’t know. It’s like Felicity is gone and the person looking back at me in the mirror is a stranger. I love both of you, but I feel – disconnected – like I’m floating unmoored.”

Tommy took hold of her hand, “We’re not going to let you float away. We’re holding on tight, I promise.”

“I don’t deserve either of you,” Felicity said through her tears.

Oliver covered Tommy and Felicity’s hand with his own, “You let us worry about what we deserve.”

“We’re going to get you help.” Tommy sat up and straightened his shoulders, “I’m going to call your doctor right now and schedule an appointment for first thing. All three of us will go, together.”

Felicity watched Tommy leave the room with his cell pressed against his ear. She wanted to believe her husbands. She wanted to believe that it was only a matter of adjusting her medications and talking more with her therapist. “What if he’s wrong?” Felicity asked Oliver.

“I don’t think that he is,” Oliver brushed the hair from her face. “If he is wrong, we’ll face that, together.”

“Even if it means that I have to leave?” she whispered.

Tears spilled from Oliver’s eyes, “I will fight for you, Felicity, with everything I am. I won’t let you give up, but if, after you’ve adjusted your meds and spent more time with your therapist, you decide that Tommy and I no longer make you happy, then we’ll face it together and figure it out – even if that means you leaving us.”

Oliver’s words were oddly comforting. She had options. They weren’t going to force her to stay if she was miserable and a danger to the emotional wellbeing of their children. Felicity felt relief and some of the tension she’d been feeling melted away. “I want to get better. I want to feel like myself again.”

“Felicity is in there,” Oliver said gazing into her eyes, “and we’re going to find her and bring her back.”

Felicity relaxed against Oliver’s chest and whispered, “I’m afraid.”

Oliver cradled her head, “I know you are, but let me tell you what I know about Felicity Megan Smoak. She is the strongest and bravest person I’ve ever known. She is a fighter and she is not done fighting. She is the woman that I love and I believe in her. You’re not alone. Okay?”

“Okay,” she whispered. Felicity wasn’t convinced that different meds would be able to fix her, but for the first time in months she didn’t have abject panic clawing at her chest. It was a relief to finally admit the truth to her husbands. She didn’t know what the future was going to bring, but Oliver and Tommy would face, whatever it was, with her.

Felicity wasn’t going to get her life back by hiding or running away. She needed to work as hard at her recovery as she did at everything else that was important to her. She got off the bed and looked for her shoes. She slid her heels on and with determination said, “Let’s go home. I’ve got work to do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always welcomed and appreciated. Hearing from you is my favorite part of the day.
> 
> Big squishy hugs to anyone and everyone who needs one.
> 
> Part 3 of the postpartum fics from Felicity's POV will be up on Saturday. If there are any tears, they will be happy ones.
> 
> A sneak peek for Saturday:
> 
> Felicity leaned back on her elbows and tilted her head back to enjoy the sun. For so long it felt like there wasn’t anything but dark clouds hanging over them. For the first time, in more than three years, Felicity finally felt at peace. Her family was whole and together.
> 
> Tommy’s lips brushed softly against hers, "You look beautiful."
> 
> Felicity opened her eyes and smiled. He held out a plate for her. "This burger looks beautiful," she said taking the plate.
> 
> Tommy and Oliver sat down and then Oliver peeked into the carriers to check on the twins. He placed his plate on the blanket in front of him, "I've been thinking."
> 
> Tommy and Felicity both pause mid bite and put their burgers back down.
> 
> "I think we should go away," Oliver said nervously.
> 
> "Away?" Tommy and Felicity asked together.
> 
> "Just for two nights. We can go down the coast. Drink some wine. Eat some good food. Be alone," Oliver said hopefully.
> 
> Felicity looked at the twins, "Two nights?"
> 
> "They’re both doing well. Prue is eating. It's only two nights," Oliver pushed. "Two nights without anyone in our bed, but us. No sticky fingers. No tantrums. Quiet. We could sleep in."
> 
> Tommy laughed, "I don't even remember what sleep is."
> 
> "When was the last time it was just the three of us?" Oliver asked Felicity. 
> 
> "Our fifth anniversary," she answered. They had gone away for three days. It had been blissful. "We were so happy," Felicity said sadly. She wondered if she would always measure her life in pre and post fertility complications.
> 
> "That was three years ago," Oliver reached for Tommy and Felicity’s hands. "Everything we went through - it got us Nate and Prue. I wouldn't change a thing.” 
> 
> "Me neither," Tommy said.
> 
> Felicity smiled, "Me neither." It was a relief to realize that she meant it. She would’ve preferred not to have gone through everything they went through, but all of it had been worth it because she had Nate and Prue.
> 
> Prompt requests are encouraged.
> 
> You can also come say hi to me on tumblr. http://realityisoverrated-fic.tumblr.com


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